Why Bother?

Squeel like a piggy

2005-08-15T10:56:00.000Z

How come all the people who call in to Club 977 - The '80s Channel sound like they're fresh off the set of Deliverence?

My bin is full of fruit flies, I don't know how they got there but every single time I open the bin to put something in a swarm of them appear like something from 'The Mummy'. What do they do? they don't make any noise, they just waft around aimlessly, possibly looking for fruit.

My friend Baz...

2005-08-11T15:03:00.000Z

A thought occured to me the other day, you never see a member of the tracksuit brigade wearing glasses. Why is that?...I have come up with a few answers to that deeply insightful question:

1) They all have perfect vision, due to the healthy lifestyles they all lead, being fed a diet of ready meals, crisps and pepsi from birth.

2) They all prefer to walk around with blurred vision, thinking it's a small price to pay for not looking like a twat, but not realising that being an 8 stone malnourished idiot dressed in a shell suit and wearing the entire stock of Elizabeth Dukes jewellery isn't this seasons 'look'.

3) They're all too drunk on Special Brew and high on crack to see anything anyway...besides who wants to see the 12 year old pregnant girl and surrogate mother of your other 15 children sitting next to you in your council flat in Sholver...that would just be depressing wouldn't it?

4) They are all killed when they are young because, as everyone knows...chavs are pack animals, they're the closest thing we have to the missing link, survival of the fittest...if you can't steal a car radio or mug a defenseless grandma or find your way through the doors of the dole office (most likely) because you can't see more than 1cm infront of your nose...you'll starve to death.

Rapid Sphincter Movement

2005-08-05T12:17:00.000Z

As some of you know, I sold my fanny magnet on wheels some time ago and replaced it with an all new, improved magnet of women...a Peugeot 306 xtdtr2d2 or whatever. As this car looked like it might not fall apart at any moment, I thought I'd treat it to some ICE, so 10,000 paper towels later, the water all seemed to have been soaked up and I discovered that ICE actually meant in car entertainment...time to go shopping.

I went to my local Halfords (the PC World of car shops) to see what sort of entertainment I could get, having visions of naked ladies spinning round chrome poles, or swimming pools of cocaine..or a dashboard sized Peter Kaye I settled for a car radio and subwoofer, I ofcourse did the sensible thing and thanked Halfords for all their advice and went and bought my ICE off Ebay.

I have just finished fitting the subwoofer into the boot (it looks something like a quantum accelerator hyperdrive, not that I know what they look like..but I can imagine they'd look like my subwoofer). I should point out that the speaker itself weighs more than a black hole and I'm going to have to remove all unneccessary items from the car like the seats, myself...the engine, just to move. Anyway, I turned the stereo on for the first time and after hearing a sound similar to r2d2 dropping one my subwoofer sprang into life.

The bass frequency was so low and so loud that I couldn't hear anything as all the air in the car had been sucked through the speaker port and I could just feel my kidney (I sold one actually buying all this stuff) rupturing. I instantly shat myself having lost all control of my sphincter. I now drive around with an oxygen mask on my face looking out of the flexing front window at a world with fuzzy edges.

Google

2005-08-03T13:13:00.000Z

Wow...2 blog entries in 2 days? I'm going for a record.

I discovered today that joypad+mastorbatory+aid returns 0 results in Google, I can't believe that with all the filth out there (it's what the interweb was made for right?) nobody has made a page about joypad fetishists (is that a word?) 'joypad fetishists'©.

I'd like to point out that I myself am not a 'joypad fetishist'©, I just happened to stop masturbating long enough to pick those words out of my head, in that particular order and type them into Google.

She's gone again

2005-08-02T15:35:00.000Z

The elevetor in my apartment building is out again..it seems she was persuaded to work again, only to decide after some thought that no, she couldn't cope with the stress..so now she sits, silent, not even letting us know which floor she's on. It's not hard is it? being an elevator? unless you're the one in Willie Wonka's factory, now that would take some skill...but a basic elevator...come on.

On a side note, I was delivering a letter last night to the post box and rather than walk round all the road works up here (they're slowly replacing all the cobbles and gas lamps) I decided to jump the metal fencing that was there to stop idiots like myself jumping over them and causing themselves horrific injuries...after a poorly misjudged sideways jump I landed to find a lump the size of a grape above my right knee, I proceeded to try and look cool as I hobbled over to the post box, then on the return journey, having not learned my lesson in the other direction I tripped and fell over.

Partial beard, freestyle

2005-07-29T07:42:00.000Z

What an interesting week it's been...where to begin. After noticing I actually have comments on some of my entries, it's given me a new sense of purpose, I'm a 'punk' apparently? Johnny Rotten would be turning in his grave if he was dead.

The elevator is working again after some chap called Roy managed to coax her down to the ground floor, I can still detect a hint of anxiety in her voice though.

I have a new neighbour who for some reason thinks that keeping a dog in an apartment the size of a postage stamp 4 storys up is good for the poor animal.

I'm off to the WBMC to check out the guy who's entered the partial beard freestyle.

Aglets

2005-07-22T14:20:00.000Z

All these years...I've been content with the knowledge that the tip of a shoelace is called a flugelbinder. Only today I discover they are called aglets...

On a seperate note, the apartment block in which I live has broken again. First of all the elevator seems to be suffering from vertigo as it won't go above the first floor and has now infact locked itself shut between the ground and 1st floor...you can hear the female voice as you walk past on the stairs constantly repeating 'first floor, first floor'. Secondly the television aerial on the roof has fallen off...so nobody in the 80+ apartments has a television signal or SKY (but then again most of the Bradford population think SKY is what goes above GROUND). I've been reduced to watching my Arnold Shwarzenegger DVD collection, in which he says about 4 words and that includes the ones with commentary.

On a seperate note to the seperate note above, I got so sick of our 2 pet snails, Shelly and son/daughter of Shelly doing nothing but shitting and gurgling that I thought I'd let them go (from a 4th floor window) you wouldn't believe how far you can throw a snail.

Walking on the moon

2005-07-13T14:37:00.000Z

How do people manage to write blog entries every day? Is my life that dull here in Bradford?...even now that the police have discovered a terrorist training camp up the road called Leeds...do people just make shit up?

Today I went for a walk on the moon, with my three-legged, colourblind pet iguana Pete. We stopped for lunch at Harry Ramsden's and re-entered earth's atmosphere around 3pm.

Free christmas trees

2005-07-12T09:27:00.000Z

It's too hot...

I'm british, I can't handle any temperature above luke warm. I've just discovered the little guage in my car is actually telling me the outside temperature not the angle the car is parked at.

In my search for the ultimate job, I have a new contender. Milking cows...my career adviser never told me I could earn money from attaching cows to a sort of lactating nipple masturbation machine. Apparently I could earn as much as £35,000 a year, get a free house, free christmas trees? and healthy bones.

Speak and Spell

2005-07-06T13:48:00.000Z

Somebody asked me today 'What do you think about the 2012 Olympics?'...'Is that a digital camera?' I said.

So we've won the Olympics in 7 years time it seems, what does that mean to the common man?...fuck all.

Most pensioners will be dead by then so they don't care and chances are they wouldn't know what was going on anyway. Kids can't even spell Olmypcis, and faced with the choice of paying vast sums of money to sit in some stadium somewhere watching loads of black athletes (they're all black and good at sport because most of them can't afford cars) run around an oval on a giant screen that makes the resolution on my old Speak and Spell look good, when they could be sat at home watching the same black athletes on a bigger screen, most of us would prefer the second option.

But atleast we beat the french..

Barrymore's television comeback

2005-07-05T15:08:00.000Z

Today has been a very interesting day:

Firstly, I have discovered that it would cost £4.58 to post my hand to London.

Secondly, 'Tina' (not her real name) at Greggs in Shipley didn't know what an iced finger without the icing is called...nor did she want to know.

Thirdly, it costs £3995 to be a plumber and takes 400 hours...I'm sure I could do it in about 5 hours, as your average plumber doesn't come across as being intellectually gifted, unless that figure is based on an exceptionally intelligent candidate...in which case if I start the course tomorrow I should be qualified by the time Michael Barrymore makes his television comeback.

Making Shit

2005-07-04T15:44:00.000Z

I got to thinking the other day how pointless my job is as a Flash Developer..it's not like I do it for the money, I mean...I earn less than an imigrant vegetable picker with no arms. So why do I do it?.

I feel like the career advisor at school let me down badly. He didn't actually give me any advice come to think of it, just told me about the importance of learning stuff. He wasn't specific. So I thought a career in computers would be the way forward, and if I failed...atleast the clock would always be set on the VCR.

After looking around on the internet, I've decided to retrain as a plumber or maybe a carpenter...if it was good enough for Jesus's dad, then it's good enough for me. Did you know a carpenter can earn upto £1,400 a week? (if you sell crack when you're not working). I've already got my slogan to have on my van...Mark Smith, Making Wooden Shit since 2005, catchy isn't it?.

Shelly returns

2005-06-21T09:00:00.000Z

Got up at 8am, went to pick up my other car now that the fanny magnet is sold. Drove to work, uneventful day there...noticed I'd had 100 people view my Pringles auction but no more bidders.

Picked up the fob to the carpark for my car, spent about 1 hour driving round an empty carpark trying to find the spot that said '60' on it, eventually found it and some bastard had parked a huge supporting concrete pillar half in the bay, so I drove around till I found 59 and parked there instead.

Watched Napoleon Dynamite again, took a shower and noticed Shelly desperately trying to make his/her way to the door. I promptly returned him/her to the plate in the kitchen as punishment...I could tell he/she knew I was unhappy with his/her behaviour from the profuse amount of gurgling and bubble blowing.

Do you think anyone wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these badboys?

2005-06-19T09:00:00.000Z

Ran to Norfolk in 3 hours on friday night, my girlfriend was on call (she's a vet) so most of the weekend was spent driving into the practice to see animals that should have known better. We went for a bike ride to the beach on saturday afternoon...asking a local 'where's the sea?'...'over the road' was her reply. Which road we weren't too sure but we made it in the end.

Bought Napoleon Dynamite from Sainsburys, watched it. Guinea fowl aren't clever animals. Ran home in 4 hours (I'd just eaten a bacon and brie baguette).

Already, I'm slipping...

2005-06-17T15:35:00.000Z

Like Michael Jackson's career. This blog is barely a week old and already I have no desire to post on it...

The highlight of my day today was to put a half eaten tube of Pringles (salt and vinegar flavour) on Ebay. So far it's at 64p...someone had the cheek to put a new unopened tube on there for £2.75, that's what I call ebay-wagonism.

Tonight I'm driving to sunny Norfolk to visit my lady, it will be interesting to see how far I get before I realise I don't have a car.

Where are you Shelly?

2005-06-16T08:54:00.000Z

After feeding Shelly (he/she was given this name by my girlfriend) some leftover Morrisons finest Organic rhubarb yoghurt I left him/her gurgling on the plate and went to bed.

Imagine my horror this morning when I discovered Shelly had vanished. His/her plate had been sucked clean and he/she was nowhere to be seen. No sign of Shelly in the kitchen, or the lounge...how far can a snail travel in 8 hours?

Low maintenance pet

2005-06-16T08:50:00.000Z

When I moved (again), it seemed we'd acquired a stow away in the form of a garden snail/slug (the one with the shell that makes a horrible sound when you step on it at night). It attached itself to the wall in the kitchen and there it stayed for around 2 months. The other night I stepped into the kitchen to find my girlfriend feeding the snail on a plate...beans, leaves, some green paste that I didn't know we'd bought. The snail seemed happy enough and we had a low maintenance pet, perfect for modern living.

When we woke in the morning, we found the snail looking ill and thought that the green paste might have disagreed with it...it turned out that it was merely taking a dump. I was later informed that snails are hermaphrodites, no wonder they spend so much time in their shells.

Start as you mean to go on...badly

2005-06-15T13:15:00.000Z

After seeing my american friend's (using the term loosely) new Blog, I thought I would have a go myself...thinking it'd be easy to type-lyrical about nothing for days on end, falling back on my comedy genius, sarcasm and self-opinionated views of the world...all of which I have none of, so expect this to be the shortest blog ever.